Practice

I want to matter

Posted by on Nov 10, 2015 in Practice | Comments Off on I want to matter

I want to matter, I know “you” do too. It is human nature to want a life purpose. I feel this very strongly, I want to have purpose, I want to matter. I want to believe that: I have,  am, and will continue to contribute something that is worthwhile, that the world.

I would not have even listed my life now as a possibility, being a mostly stay at home mom with post-partum depression talking to my cat during the day was not even on the list.

Here I am, right now – my legs stretched out resting on the ottoman before me, my laptop on my lap and I am chasing dreams, thoughts and fragments of possibilities. My son is sleeping, the cat is curled up adjacent to me and the house smells like freshly baked cake.

It is not a bad life – it is just that postpartum depression has knocked my bearings and while I am not surprised it caught me up, the intensity of it on some days and the complete lack of symptoms on other days has left me confused. I feel alone. Being home with two non-verbal communicators for 8 sometimes 10 hours five days a week leaves you just a little crazy.

I feel no sense of accomplishment. I don’t feel like I really matter in any scale bigger then my tiny sons desire for the “juices of nature” as my father in-law refers to breast milk. On most given days it is hard to believe that my life matters.

And so I quest for purpose – for the capacity to design a life that does matter. A life with intention, that involves both being present right now, but also purposefully striving towards something that I want for my future.

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